By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
