careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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