Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
