Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
