It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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