remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
