I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
