five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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