I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
