The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You are the jesus of drinking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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