she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
