we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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