I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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