Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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