I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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