I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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