I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just puked most of my soul out..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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