I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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