you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
