ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
