she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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