Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
