someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
