Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You are a genius and a whore.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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