I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
