Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
