If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
