mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
