even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
