so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
