Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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