I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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