I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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