I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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