I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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