just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
