I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
