how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
