Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
