he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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