Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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