Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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