Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
