What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
