it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
