Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
