FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Redeem this text for a blowjob
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
