Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
