My nipple is on Facebook.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
