hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
