yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
