the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
